A living tribute to Homer, my handsome 4 legged friend

My horses have been instrumental in teaching me that my life is a sacred journey. And that the journey is about change, growth, discovery, transformation; continuously expanding my vision of what is possible, stretching my soul, listening to my intuition, and to find courage in the face of great challenges. I am on the path… exactly where I am meant to be right now… and from here, I go forward, shaping my life story into a magnificent tale of friendship, of healing, of courage, of compassion, of wisdom, of connection, and of love. It is the same for every human and every breathing being we share our path with.

I think about relationship, my responsibility, showing up, and doing my best, a lot. I always have, it is definitely part of my unique way of being in the world. Like many of us, what I learned about being in relationship growing up didn’t leave me fully believing in the magic of who I was capable of being in relationship with others. I really didn’t understand my potential in this way until I brought horses back in to my life just before I turned 40. I don’t want to muck this tribute up with why getting real with horses is so profoundly life altering but I do want to say that I absolutely would not be who I am today without my teachers…my horses.

The responsibility to care for the beings I share my life with calls me to live in the courage to BE present, to show up fully vulnerable in the best and worst of times, and to let my heart speak in the beginning, in the middle, and in the end.

Life is shifting here with our oldest gelding Homer. I can feel it, he can feel it. We are both reaching towards that place of softness that time tested heart connection reveals. The three horses in my ranch logo found me, I know they did. Each under “bizarre” circumstances and each with lessons to teach me about love, authenticity, leadership, trusting myself, trusting them, acceptance, celebration of individuality, responsibility, empathy, wisdom, dignity, the natural rhythm of life, grace, and humor. Life is a series of waves and sometimes we are surfing on top of them and sometimes we are churning in the power of the water and waves, gasping for air. It is an ebb and flow and these three horses have shared many of my greatest triumphs and traumas. All three  have offered the strength of their being to support me in my most painful and most amazing life travels. Montana is on the left, Homer in the middle, and April on the right.

Caring for our four legged friends is a role of guardianship as I see it and it is not for sissies. It is messy, demanding, emotional, and ultimately the most vulnerable place we can be (second only to being a parent) and I know that it is our greatest privilege and responsibility to show up and to walk to the end of the path with those we love. To love them, laugh with them, and to celebrate their life with them.

We have been nursing our senior 4 leggeds for the last few years and each time the next one steps on to the path I am reminded daily that fear has no place on this path, to stay in empathy and compassion, maintain a sense of humor and a sense of reverence and to be open and vulnerable to listen to them and to have the courage to let them go hearing my voice, feeling my touch, and feeling loved and cared for. I am reminded that this isn’t about me so much as it is about me being there for them. Every living being deserves to leave knowing they made a difference while they were here. In our culture so many of us cannot face the vulnerability of being present to the passing of our loved ones and I have been there. My 4 legged friends have called me to be more courageous and to show up fully vulnerable, no matter what. When it is time to say goodbye I want to be there holding them with my heart. I want to honor them in that way.

Homer is closet, Montana has the fabio mane. Montana, Homer, and April are my original teachers

Homer is my first true horse love, really for my whole family – Mike, Chandler, Cooper and Max, and it has been mutual from the day he unloaded his very fat horse butt off the trailer. He didn’t look like that in the videos and my girlfriend’s threatened to charge me a fuel surcharge to get him home. I bought him without ever meeting him. I tried for a year before the owner finally gave in and hauled him from Oregon to a barrel race I was at in WA. He was a well travelled star roping horse, a heeler, and he was very good at his job! Then he was a barrel horse. That is what we were to do together. It never happened.

***I couldn’t sit in my office and write this any longer. I just want to be with him. Moved to his paddock, sitting on the concrete typing and sobbing. He LOVES the novelty of this laptop! “EXCZ R54DFDF” typed by Homer and then he removed the F key. Funny Man! I asked him who was going to tell Mike about the computer. He didn’t answer! He wanted the R, D, and G keys too. I am reminded that when he first came I used to sit with him in his paddock with a book and drink a beer and it was a horse wrestle over who was going to drink it every time.

My dream of him and I hauling together for fun weekends with the girls never happened because by the time we met he was pretty much done with that scene and it took me a year to get him sound and healthy enough to do anything, we started our love affair just spending time together. I now know that was part of the plan all along! He opened new worlds up for me because we couldn’t ride right away.

Long ago…before soccer she was a cowgirl!

He was my daughter’s first horse. They were wonderful to watch. He loved having her ride him. She was pretty young when we hauled Homer and Montana to a Wendy Murdoch clinic in Eastern WA. Chandler was the youngest rider and Wendy went with it and had Chan standing on Homer trick riding. Homer was game, of course. Precious memories for sure.

Homer is a special kind of horse magic, a character with a two way magnetic attraction with people and horses. He loves them and they love him. There isn’t anything he doesn’t want to be in the middle of if we will let him. Power tools, building barns, tractors, landscaping, drinking beer… he likes red wine too but I think he is more of a beer guy if he could choose, rather than slobber in whatever I am drinking.

What a Handsome Guy!

He was a crazy happy traveler until about 2 years ago when he decided it was a younger man’s game and he became perfectly content to just be at home with “his” friends. Until then, he loved going and he loved seeing the trailer arrive with potential new horse friends. He exploits his charisma and wisdom with confidence and he can be a real trouble maker that way. I always have horses out in my yard. The horses here know they are officially part of the herd when they have earned the privilege to be free on the property. They mug bird feeders, test all feed room doors, tip over buckets, lick all remnants of supplements from the feed pans and then when they are satisfied they haven’t missed anything, they roll and then graze in the front yard. Except for Homer, he knows that just outside the front gate there are two very large grass lawns. Whomever he is out with courageously crosses the threshold at the front gate if Homer is going. If I had a dime for every time I said “damn it Homer” I could cover my arena. Neighbors call, joggers jog in to the house to let me know, my kid’s friends would let me know they saw them on their way past, and often I followed a gut feeling that I should go and look for him. He never runs when we go to get him, he knows the gig is up and seems satisfied with the adventure. I watched him this week do his obligatory checks for food remnants and then head straight down the drive way. None of the other horses do this.

Johnny, Skye and Homer – Best Buds…probably heading down the driveway right after they finish mugging the gator!

A couple of years ago he was in the neighbor’s yard when a horse we were boarding here was coming back after a trail ride. As soon as Homer saw the trailer he was in the road trotting down the road after them calling out. He followed the trailer home and mugged it while his friend was being unloaded.

He was so much fun to ride. He is a Lamborghini with his power and athleticism and he is a bit hot and when those things combined it was amazing to be on his back. He seemed to defy logic when floating his massive bull dog quarter horse frame in place effortlessly. Not for the faint of heart or nervous rider. Nervous or inexperienced riders really kicked things up a notch for him. Mike so badly wanted to ride him and we tried, we really tried but more than a few stories ended with me yelling “Mike – GET OFF NOW!”

Homer had a bit of a reputation for running off before he came here and he sported a pretty severe hackamore that his previous owner used to try and keep him under control. Much of our first few years were spent learning how to do things together without spurs, tie downs, and harsh hackamores, listening to my seat and coming to terms with his first answer to everything when he got stressed trying to learn something new – TURBO 4 WHEEL DRIVE BACKWARDS! Worked in his previous job! My friend Barb Apple had Homer and I in a lot of clinics. Barb taught me the magic of waiting, quietly, for him to check in. I waited a lot for him, often at fast speed forward and backwards.

Mike and I took Homer and April to the beach a few years into our relationship with Homer. I was counting on Homer to be willing to pack Mike around. We had come a long ways and he was doing well out of his gadgets and was doing well with Mike at home. April was not an option as she had a reputation for bucking just about everyone off who rode her. She was a blast for me to ride but I had not even attempted anyone else at that point. This was one of those Mike and Homer stories that ended in me yelling “Mike – GET OFF NOW!” He did and I got off April and instructed Mike to stand and hold April while I got on Homer to see where he was at. I reminded Mike before I got on Homer, “Do NOT get on her, just wait for me.” ( I am sure you know what happened…) I got on Homer and asked for a little of this and that and then he said “let’s go, I need to run!” I said “uh, no, I don’t think we should”….we did, and he ran, shifted, lowered and ran and then shifted one more time and we flew down the beach. I had Barb’s sage wisdom in my head – “at this point there is nothing to do but Stay On! He will stop eventually!” All I could think of was the kite festival that I knew was somewhere down the beach in front of us. I could picture Homer and I sailing through the middle of the crowds and kites like a scene from of a comedy movie. We have so many stories like this and it was remarkable that he never scared me. He eventually checked in with me and we had a lovely ride back to find Mike and April. As we were approaching from the distance I could see that Mike did not follow my order! He was on April and much to my complete amazement she was taking care of him like they had been partners forever. Shocking… and not…if you know her! : )

New foal in our herd Sierra meets Uncle Homer ’08

The stories with Homer are rich and many. He is an officer and a gentleman 90% of the time and when he isn’t, it is no accident! He has been my

Johnny baby clapping to Uncle Homer ’08

go to guy in the herd for well over a decade. Whatever I needed, he was on board. He is a leader we should all know of horses. He was the first horse that taught me that alpha and lead horses are not the same. Not even from the same planet in the ways of herd social dynamics. He has respect from and for the herd and he has a remarkable tender friendship with the horses in my herd of 10. He is friend, Uncle, protector, disciplinarian…leader they all want to follow.

We stopped riding a few years ago. His body worn from the years of roping and he had earned the right to just enjoy retirement with this herd. He has done that and continued to be a magnet for two and four leggeds that get to know and spend time with him.

I don’t know how much longer he will be with us. I know I am not ready; none of us are, to not have his Homer knicker calling to us daily. This week we had a close call and senior reality check. I spent time feeling into the reality of where we are on the path and wondering if he was leaving us. Wondering how his friends would process him leaving, who would step into his position and re-remembering how much he has meant to me and my journey. How much he has taught me. How much he has loved me and me him.

I wanted to write a tribute to his life now, before he is gone, to celebrate the amazing being that he is and to remind us all that time is precious, live daily in the courage to BE present, show up fully vulnerable no matter what, and to let our heart speak for all the blessed 4 leggeds in our lives. They have so much to teach us when we are ready to learn.

How do you handle the “not as advertised” moments in life?

We were on vacation last week with family in Sisters, OR. We were non-stop summer action; hiking, rafting, biking, swimming, celebrating, and a few moments here and there for just sitting. The day before we left we were deciding on a hike, I was being very careful to not vote for one that would “kill” me (I really should know better than to have that be my focus). I found a nice description in the local must do hikes list – beautiful view, part of the hike on sun exposed south slope so bring water or go early, easy to moderate 3.8 miles. Sounds great right? So great that the twenty something crowd decided it was too easy so they departed for a 7 mile hike of moderate+ intensity. Based on their response I was actually thinking the hike we chose might not even be “legit” and then I decided that would be fine, my body could use an easy nature outing respite.

The drive to the trailhead got more and more interesting and I was starting to think we were on to a nice hike that might not make it seem like we wimped out. Once we left the pavement, we had serious washboard one and a half lane to rugged rocky path and all of it climbing. I loved it and was still oblivious…got to the trailhead, put our day fee in the envelope and 6 of us were off.

Lovely start to the hike, fairly easy grade, in the shade, and I was still happily in the moment marching along. We live at sea level, we were starting the hike just over 4000 feet so I did mention to my fellow hikers as we left the trail head that there was a possibility that they might find my husband and I flopping around on the trail like fish out of water gasping for oxygen.

The trail continued to climb and I started negotiating with myself about the distance to the switch back that had to be coming any moment. I like to use the inevitable switch backs as an incremental mind and body goal as it represents the next lowest point before you start another climb. Take a little break, look around, get a drink, and start again to the next switch back. When it finally came it was insignificant and it was the only one and then we climbed and climbed and climbed. Climbing a trail that is a bit out of my comfort zone  and all of the mental negotiations it took to keep taking one step forward reminds me  of so many situations in life. If we can be aware of our inner dialogue, slow down and support ourselves through the process, believe in ourselves and keep taking one more step forward, we can accomplish amazing things.

We passed a few people coming down the mountain. A couple older than me by a good 10+ years so I again used one of my mental games to point out that they were still alive…so theoretically, I can do it too! And we climbed. We passed another couple and someone in our group asked how far to the top, they hesitated and then replied that we had a ways to go. How could that be? We had been climbing what felt like straight up since we left the truck! When the asker groaned, I was reminded of another mental game rule, it is better to stay in the moment, be present to right now and keep moving forward rather than constantly looking for the finish line and allowing mental and emotional fatigue to over imagine the difficulties that lie ahead. The climbing continued . I was using my best tracking skills to find signs of wildlife; foot prints, scat, hair, bones, or even better, the real critter. That is always a distraction that can transport me out of the physical challenge and into being caught up in curiosity and seeking. I did come across a pair of nut hatches early in the hike that had nested in a big stump near the ground and a couple of ravens flying over head and they were it!

It was so interesting to be aware of all of the choices I had to move through to accommodate the unexpected challenge of this hike and to find a positive, enjoyable way to experience it. It was refreshing to experience how quickly I could reset my mind’s perspective with just a few mental reminders.

I practiced staying in the moment, enjoying being in nature, appreciating the time with family, and loving my body for taking me up this mountain when I hadn’t prepared it well at all…and being grateful that the ad mentioned bringing water which I did do – Thank God.

Then I started thinking about all of the ads I have read and horses I have bought or worked with after being purchased from an ad and how often the horse (or life) and, in this case, the hike was “not as advertised” when we choose to look at it that way. I was thinking that if the ad had mentioned the ability to see wild flowers into the first week of August, I would have had a clue about the elevation. Or something about being prepared to take lots of breaks on the way up and that the summit would be worth the effort. Or that the “lookout” that was mentioned was actually a fire watch tower for the entire mountain region! Give me something to read between the lines on. After decades of experiencing horse ads, I can pretty much read one and tell you the story I think they are not telling. What would happen if the writer was just straight up? Something like this comes to mind: This hike is short but mighty in views, incredible photography opportunities, and physical challenge. You will gain 2500 feet in elevation over 2.1 miles. Some of the trail is fine soil and slippery along part of the steepest climb that is open to the downhill side. Frequent water breaks and a slow steady pace will get you to the top where you can see 360 degrees of unobstructed mountain views. Experience the commute the fire watchers make to work and see where they live at the top of the world when not in the tower. See the remnants of a fire that swept up one side within yards of the tower and left the other side of the mountain untouched. And pack a handful of unsalted peanuts for a friendly encounter with the resident chipmunks that relish the hiking season and will politely take a peanut from your hand.

This hike was worth the effort in every way and gave me the opportunity to remember what I am mentally and physically able to do, how emotional flexibility wins the race over physical strength when life turns out to be “not as advertised,” and to feel that sense of accomplishment that can only come when you are pushed out of your comfort zone.

It is easy to wish that life, hikes, horses, and husbands were as advertised and then again, where is the fun, adventure, and opportunity for growth in that? ; )

PS

The comments from the twenty somethings about their hike; “I nearly died” to, “It was Awesome!” I can relate and I think the same person wrote the ad for their hike.

When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.

Confucius

Fear is the Anti Life!

And….we are often in denial and not aware of the impact it has on our lives.

Fear of what people will think, fear of not being who we are “supposed” to be,

fear of failure, fear of not being good enough physically or intellectually, fear of speaking up or being wrong, fear of being a bad parent and the list goes on and on. And if we are horsewomen, fear of getting hurt, fear of looking stupid if our horse has a meltdown, fear of what might happen if we take our horse somewhere new, fear of being judged as a bad handler or rider, fear of being ridiculed by the expert, fear of losing if we are competitive. This is a small list of the fears we torture ourselves with and if you paid attention to how your body felt as you read through the list, I bet this list FELT huge.

Fear is at the bottom of the majority of the challenges we face in accomplishing goals, stepping out of our comfort zone, embracing our learning edge, and having the courage to be who we really are.

I am a huge fan of Neale Donald Walsh, author of Conversations with God. Here is what he says about fear: “Caution is natural, but fear is not. Do not give in to fear, yet do not abandon caution. It is a balancing act. Caution is what causes you to look both ways before crossing the street. Fear is what keeps you frozen on the curb forever. You know the difference. You can feel it. If you are “stuck” right now, you are probably into fear. Get out of there. You’ve already looked both ways. Now cross the street, for heaven’s sake. The cars have long since gone. The coast is clear. Your only obstacle now is your own mind.”

We all know how important it is to face our fear. We have heard it a million times and probably said it to ourselves that many times as well. With the right tools, support, and mental awareness, it is not only possible; it is doable and essential to our personal growth and living life authentically. Let me assure you, the one thing holding you back from expressing the joy and uniqueness of your authenticity is FEAR, Guaranteed – whether you are aware of it or not!

Neural patterns have to change one small responding choice at a time in order for you to move from fear to having the courage to make choices to move forward in a new way. Nature has designed fear to trigger the reaction side of our brains so that we react to survive life threatening situations. The challenge for many of us is that we are stuck in patterns of over reacting, over thinking, over worrying, and triggering the survival mechanism when that is not what is needed. We have ourselves stressed, anxious, depressed, and totally disconnected from our ability to trust ourselves. In this stuck position, it doesn’t matter if the fear is real or not, makes sense to someone else or not, is reasonable or not. As far as your nervous system is concerned, it IS real, and much of what happens from the time you get triggered is reactive auto pilot. You have blown through your window of tolerance, your ability to thoughtfully respond, and you are in fight, flight, or freeze mode. It is biological. Let this sink in….you are experiencing a biological shift for survival and it doesn’t matter that is it about a simple day to day task.

So here is how many of us handle fear in ourselves, our children, and with our horses. “knock it off, you’re just being a baby, suck it up and just do it, you have seen that log 100 times you are being ridiculous, you’ll be fine, no one ever died from x y or z, etc.” We bully ourselves and the beings around us because we think that is the way to create the “motivation” required to get over our fears or help others do it. The bullying is motivating in a shameful way and it may even be able to a cause a change in the moment but that doesn’t help inspire trust in self, trust in others, and ultimately a sense of confidence to handle whatever ever comes at you.

The goal is to know where your window of tolerance is, pay attention to your body when it is warning that it is about to go into survival mode, and respond right then by taking a deep breath, backing away figuratively or literally from the trigger, regain your center, accept the feelings that have come up, make a plan, use your support system, and then try a baby step forward.

Consider this example, which of these situations is likely to create a long term sense of confidence and courage?

1. You are taught how to swim by being thrown in water over your head with nothing but your instinctual survival mechanisms to get you to the side. No help, no compassion, no support, just people you “trust” standing around shouting and “encouraging” you to get YOURSELF to safety.

Or -

2. You are taught to swim incrementally being allowed to sit on the steps, getting used to how the water feels, letting your confidence build to splashing and playing, then you stand up and step down to the chest deep level. Next someone you trust is gently encouraging you to allow them to safely putter you around suspended in the water, they don’t scare you, and they gently guide you and put you back on the step. Over time as your confidence builds, you are jumping into someone’s arms and then into the pool and dog paddling yourself to the side, then you take lessons and soon you are diving and swimming confidently in the deep end with your friends. You had scary moments at each stage and you were allowed to scurry back to your safe place to build your confidence and the courage to try again another day.

The scenario above represents so many ways we don’t honor our window of tolerance by allowing ourselves the time it takes us an individual to gain confidence, courage and proficiency in something. It is clear that option number 2 will build confidence, self esteem, trust in self and others, and long term enjoyment of the water.

Many of us shut down our emotional awareness and find it very difficult to go through the layers to get at the original underlying fear or feeling of vulnerability of an issue. And, our egos don’t really like to admit that we are fearful so when we do identify it, often our first defense is defensiveness. We can only thrive in a change environment where the people there are able to hold the “sacred space of possibility” (as my friend and mentor Kathleen Barry-Ingram says) without judgment or an agenda about who we should be or how we should do something. Most of us have not been taught that fear is actually healthy, a caution sign as Neale says, it is not a stop sign unless you are facing true life or death. That is where things get sideways; we allow our fears to either become monstrous anxiety producers or depressive and suffocating causing us to resign ourselves to the tolerate the life we have, and even worse to give up on living the life we would really love to live.

There is very little in life that is as thrilling, life affirming, and self loving as facing a fear, walking through it, being witnessed, and celebrating the internal surge of self esteem that comes from that experience. I am not talking about thrill seeking and the adrenaline rush and addiction around that. I am talking about walking through every day fear issues that cripple our joyful life expression, our ability to express who we are authentically.

Horses are absolute masters at allowing us to experience what it feels like in our sensing bodies and our emotions, to walk through the fear to being comfortable in our authenticity. Every time we get to feel an experience in a positive and healthy way, we put a solid building block under our belief in our ability to be in charge of our lives, to lovingly accept who we are, and to “face and feel our emotions, including fear.”

My title is “Walk through your fear, intentionally!” because I believe the foundation of freeing yourself from being ruled by fear is to intentionally decide to have the courage, to know and respect your window of tolerance, and to proceed with understanding, empathy, and baby steps, gradually increasing your window of tolerance and giving your mind and body time to adjust to the next challenge. This process is most successful when working with a support system that sees you whole and for who you are becoming vs. needing to be fixed and not good enough until you fix it.

If it were easy without that support, we would all have done it a long time ago. Getting to know yourself on the inside, learning to live in the moment and feel your feelings (all of them – Dr. Brene’ Brown points out in her research that we cannot choose which feelings we are going to feel in our lives. It is all or nothing. If we want to truly experience the feelings of joy, belonging, contentment, happiness, we also have to be willing to feel sadness, fear, and anger). Horses are masters at teaching us how to live in our bodies, in the moment, to get back in touch with our true self and from that place we feel more powerful and in charge of our life. This experience allows us to take the first steps towards “walking through our fear intentionally” with a healthy outcome, in a supportive and safe environment.

Alternatively, we get fed up and decide once and for all to rid ourselves of a life numbing fear and then ridicule ourselves for not being able to do it, for not having the courage or the willpower or the ___ – fill in the blank. When we further insult ourselves for not being or having enough of whatever it takes to be perfectly in control of moving out of fear into something more “acceptable,” we stay stuck in the cycle of fear holding us back, controlling our lives, and beating ourselves up about it.

A commitment to personal growth is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and it is the only way we can find our journey to loving our authentic (real) self. Most of us cannot be successful by throwing ourselves into the deep end without a solid support system to guide us through the rough water. We have to recognize where we are in our own process of growth and readiness to change and then match that place with the right action steps. This is critical to our ability to gradually change our patterns of thinking and behavior.

Finding a place to be in relationship that is accepting and non judgmental is a very important piece to our being able to begin building a new foundation of trust, courage, self-awareness and self-acceptance. Studies have shown that with a helping relationship (coach, mentor, EFL facilitator), we are far more apt to be successful in our personal growth goals. Many of us have never really experienced being in relationship where there is no judgment, no agenda for who you should be, Equine Facilitated Learning offers that environment and it is powerful, exhilarating, and can open the door to learning to love yourself first so that you can live life courageously.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Dr. Seuss

© Be The River Coaching & Horses Heal Hearts – All Rights Reserved. 360.509.2948, Drea Bergquist-Bowen BCC – drea.b.bowen@gmail.com

Good emotional flexibility allows us to experience the full range of emotions throughout our day without getting stuck. When we become aware of our awareness we have control over the focus of our thoughts. The name of my coaching business is ‘Be the River’ because I love the river as a metaphor for emotional agility and for life in general. There are so many ways I see the river as a powerful example of staying true to our purpose.  The river lives it’s purpose, always flowing toward the sea. It doesn’t matter how man or mother nature challenges the river, it never ceases to know that it’s purposeful is to flow towards the sea. It can be strong and wild and dangerous and it can be quiet, peaceful, and magically meditative. It is integral and impactful in shaping communities, lifestyles, and travel while supporting life for animals, plants, and humans as it knows and ives it’s purpose. In his book Mindsight, Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, writes of the middle of the river as the place where we integrate emotionally rather than getting stuck up against the shore of chaos, or on the opposite shore of rigidity. It is in the middle where integration of those extremes happens and flow and purpose is restored. I really love that. We all likely have experienced what it is like when our mind and therefore our lives get stuck ruminating on the shores of chaotic or rigid thoughts/things we say/how we behave. When we are aware of this happening we can acknowledge it, notice how we feel about it, and move our mind/thoughts/actions back into a flow that represents our authentic purposeful flow.

Throughout our day our thoughts will be bouncing off the shores of chaos and rigidity and if we are aware and flexible in our mind we can quickly bounce back into the flow and keep moving forward. This takes practice and a willingness to recognize old patterns as well as a desire to move beyond them.

Being flexible with the feelings that accompany our thoughts and the emotions that often accompany them is also critical to our health and wellness. We are a culture that has been mostly trained to minimize our emotional reactions, to not really feel our feelings, especially if they are not the “good” ones. Research has shown that we can’t differentiate if we are going to not feel emotions. If we push out the band ones, we aren’t truly able to experience the good ones either. In reality, in order to be truly healthy and happy, we need to know how to feel the emotions that come up, know that it is OK to feel that way, be comfortable sitting in uncomfortable emotions, and then decide how we want to move through them. Imagine if we could experience our emotions, whatever they are and in whatever way was appropriate and then move on, totally free from judgment (that especially includes not judging ourselves!). We would be living more true to who we are, more authentic and we could stop hurting ourselves by banishing the feelings that come with emotions.

Unlearning… is a prerequisite for effectiveness, which leads to growth. We see the world not as it is, but as we would like it to be, and unlearning is like seeing the world with new eyes.

Lance Secretan

When we are on auto pilot living our lives around the thought patterns that have come to define us as a result of our past, we cannot be present in every moment to respond to the change in current, log jams and floods of real life. There is no emotional flexibility in being a prisoner to old thought patterns. When we are mindful of our thoughts, we notice our thought patterns and accompanying behaviors, purposefully shift them out of the negative perspective to a grateful one; we get the pleasure of living authentically. We decide what we will focus our thoughts on and in doing so; we begin to change patterns of thought/words we speak/ and behavior. I love this quote from Tui Kupferberg: “When patterns are broken, new worlds can emerge.”

© Be The River Coaching & Horses Heal Hearts – All Rights Reserved.
360.509.2948, Drea Bergquist-Bowen BCC – drea.b.bowen@gmail.com

The mystery or disconnect from our authentic selves makes perfect sense when you think about it. Many children are not raised in an environment that celebrates their uniqueness, their special gifts and talents. And, I think, even if we are lucky enough to have a wonderful supportive, accepting, environment as a child, once we are exposed to outside influences of what is expected to be accepted, and then the internal turmoil of puberty and society’s expectations of being female, everything begins to change. We start shaving off the unique square edges of our peg so we conform nicely into the round hole that society deems “acceptable” and we spend most of our lives chasing approval from outside of ourselves to prove we are “good, smart, desirable, thin, pretty, educated… enough.”

I attended a lecture given by Dr. Christiane Northrup, M.D., and she said if a woman wants to get in touch with her authentic self, she has to go back to around age 9, before puberty. What did she love to do then? What made her happy? What was it she couldn’t wait to spend her time doing? Who was she before hormones and society’s expectation of being female began to influence her and how she interacted with herself and the world around her?

In my experience as a coach, there seems to be universally common life milestones; empty nest, reaching mid-life, unexpected career change, divorce, financial stress, infidelity, losing a loved one, or facing a serious health crisis, that shake our conditioned way of being enough to inspire us to rethink who we are and who we want to be. Often, after experiencing a high magnitude life tsunami, we become more focused on a personal journey of discovery that leads us to accepting and embracing our unique gifts and talents – our authentic self expression.

My journey involved nearly a handful of those milestones and they all hit a few years before and after turning 40. I look back and am humbled at what human beings are capable of overcoming, and the complete and utter physical and emotional turmoil we can endure. Personally and spiritually it was a very alive and incredibly rewarding upheaval, albeit painful, and I am so grateful. For the first time in decades I was open to my authenticity and I began attracting life changing authentic mentors and friends into my life that supported my journey.

I brought horses back into my life just prior to the tsunami waves hitting and they became the anchor for the shifts I would make in my life! I had adopted two green 3 year old horses who ultimately would take me back to the 9 year old girl and help me reconnect to my love of nature, my passion for understanding behavior and connection, and my curiosity about my life purpose, my authentic self. My shifting did not happen without some challenges from my entrenched 40 +/- year old left brain ego fighting me to maintain the comfortable status quo. I really love what Dr. Lance Secretan says about change; “We sacrifice what we are for who we can become—and that takes courage.”

I began working with a counselor a year or so before my horses came on the scene. I was intent on “doing my personal work” and eventually my “horse time” became a regular part of our discussions. He was curious and asked me a lot of meaningful questions to try and understand why the horses were playing a significant role in my personal growth and healing. I didn’t have the explicit knowledge at that time to tell him what was happening for me – inside (I sure could tell him today)! My experience was internal, an awakening of my implicit knowing, my instinct and intuition. I didn’t have the right words to explain it to anyone. I mostly seemed a bit crazy to many people who had known me prior to me beginning my journey back to myself.

I had heard of Equine Facilitated Learning, it was living on the perimeter of my radar; however, I was very focused on improving my horsemanship skills to survive the learning curve with my horses as they became healthy and challenged me at every turn. Looking back at where I was and remembering the challenges I faced with them, it is by their grace and some internal force within me giving me the courage to trust myself that we are where we are today. I will be eternally grateful for both!

I had lost my connection with my sensing self, I was a stretched thin working mom of three young kids and my life revolved around the “details” of life in the Good Girl Should Do Fast Lane. My horses were experiencing my chaos, lack of center, left brain focus on doing, and it made them uneasy about trusting me, to say the least. Buck Brannaman’s words resonate deeply with me; “All your horses are a mirror to your soul and sometimes you might not like what you see in the mirror.” Maybe there are some things you are going to learn about you! Maybe the horse is the only damn way you are going to learn it! If you can find a way to fit with this horse, to make it better, you will make it better in areas you didn’t think related to horses.”

As time went on I heard myself explain my passion for my horse time in surprising ways and I was taking note as the words came out of my mouth trying to justify what I was “doing.” I would say things like, “they force me to stay in the present, to be aware of every little nuance.” “Time stops for me in the moments with my horses.” “It is the only time in my day when my mind is not racing to who needs to get where, what is for dinner, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, social commitments, and beyond.” “I am getting to know myself and what I am capable of in a whole different way as a result of the time with my horses.” For others they remember their passion when they spend time creating art, gardening, writing, being in nature, travelling, planning for their dream business.

New neural pathways, new patterns of behavior and ways of seeing me were forming and my whole inner being came alive as a result of my sincere and passionate desire to create a deep, trusting bond with my horses. I had to change, to soften, to know my heart, listen to and trust my intuition, be present, and honor my boundaries impeccably.

These concepts have become the foundation for my equine facilitated learning and coaching business of working with horses to create breakthroughs in the lives of people. I was experiencing the profound power of Equine Facilitated Learning, facilitated by my horses and my desire for a trusting relationship with them long before I knew what it was. I am grateful to Kathleen Barry Ingram, M.A, Leigh Shambo, MSW, and David Young for my training at Human Equine Alliance for Learning. It was rich with experiential growth, authentic mentorship, and learning about the transformative neuroscience at work in EFL/EFP. As a result of my journey I am living my authenticity, on purpose and I am intent and focused on supporting others on their journey to rediscovering the passions of the 9 year old they knew long ago. I have a card in my office that I have been toting around for years: It has a beautiful drawing of a wolf on the front and I wrote this on the blank inside “Am I the woman the little girl in me always thought I would be?” I have no recollection of when I got this card or where I got those words from, the mystery and synchronicity of how this stayed with me is fascinating to me… and today I can say YES I AM! (Big Smile) There is nothing more meaningful for any of us than to love ourselves enough to have the courage to let our authenticity shine so we can make a profound difference in the world by giving others permission to do the same.

One’s own self is well hidden from one’s own self: Of all treasures we mine, one’s own is the last to be dug up.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

© Be The River Coaching & Horses Heal Hearts – All Rights Reserved.
360.509.2948, Drea Bergquist-Bowen BCC – drea.b.bowen@gmail.com